i (still) don't have any fear in facing labor nor feeling too excited of having a baby. not much worry about baby and postnatal care.
what is haunting me is... will i able to become a parent? will i really able to become a Mommy?
having baby, is natural. anybody can has babies. anybody with a good reproductive organ no matter how idiot she is or even an insane can has babies. but not everybody can be a parent. i don't mind about my body fat, er.. i mean if i lose my body fat :P while raising my kids. i don't mind if i lose my sleep time or even my appetite.
but still it does not pay to become a good mother. raising a kid is not growing a kid. growing is to increase by natural development while raising is to move to a higher position. i do not want you and you siblings to grow up only by word 'growing' but i want you to 'develop'. if i can define, to grow is like planting. as long as there is enough nutrient and sunlight, plants can grow steadily or even effectively. even if i neglect it for days or week, it will still grow with that natural resources. but to raise is like building. if i don't work, none of my structure will come out. and i have to put some safety factor to make my structure react with natural resources like wind, earthquake, etc. i don't want only develop your physical but your brain as well.
there's lots of theories and practices about parenting skill and style. and of course the best is what had been shown by our beloved Prophet, but in this very world (my world to be specific), i have no idea.. i am a working mom, with limited time to spend with my kids. and with that limited time, i have to do house chores and to serve Abi as well. (i am not ready to have a maid or helper)
and what i worry most is... when you're getting bigger, becoming a teenager and mixing with other friends of yours that i might not know. it may be OK if i can put you under my armpit forever but naturally, when you go to school and see other kids, you'll have another point of view about life, beside what has been taught by us. will i able to be your friend at your teenage? will i able to still be the one you rely on as you grow up? i know what's today's kids' problems, they like to hide many things from their parents, because they think they're smarter. i had a friend, whose mom & dad were religious and educated, and she also was, but she ended up having sex before marriage. with her boyfriend who was also known as a good & religious boy.
**Dear Allah, Engkau jadikanlah kawan2 anak2ku adalah orang2 yg soleh.
**Dear Allah, Engkau jadikanlah anak2ku orang2 yg soleh.
**Dear Allah, Engkau jadikanlah kami semua hamba-Mu yg soleh.
put aside the 'test' thing or ujian hidup, but if that happens, what do you think Mommy's gonna feel? you built a house, with good design of engineering and architecture. soon when it's finished, somebody comes in and destruct what you have make. how do you feel? happy? satisfy? of course not.
that's why son, Mommy want you to know that, becoming parents is not that easy. we maybe very excited to celebrate your arrival, but deep inside we have a mixed feeling, to hold a great responsibility in raising another soldier of Islam. will we be able to make you a real soldier?
please, help us to be the best parents of yours OK!
please, help us to be the best parents of yours OK!
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