Hafiy, Aeroplane & KL

if its not because of the yearly sponsored air ticket by the company, we won't have any air travel from KB to KL. [kudos to the company, at least we didn't have to worry about the flood & landslide].

we flew a day after Aidiladha, at 8.30pm. i really didn't have any idea of flying with a baby. however, i plan to bring you along if i have to do business trip (to anyplace i could find somebody to look after you) since domestic charge for under 2YO baby is only 10% of the full price. so cheapy....

we went out 2 hours before the flight, cos i want to choose our seat next to the window so that it become easier to me to breastfeed you. however, it was a teruk traffic jam. more than 1 hour on the road for a usually-not-more-than-30minutes journey. oh my... however we still managed to get the seat, even tho it was at the 24th row.

it wasn't something comfortable to me, the seat is too narrow and limited spaced. however, with the keprihatinan of the air crew thanks a lot!, it became more pleasantable. my biggest fear was, how if you COL (cry out loud) along the 55minutes journey... oh i would die... the soother is take you for a walk... how could i do that in a boeing 737? alhamdulillah, you so well-behaved! you just merengek mintak susu & then you was preoccupied by the plane's light outside. good boy!

we didn't have any problem, or maybe because the journey is a short one? oh, i'm thinking about 2-and-half-hour flight to Miri! oh dear boy please be a good boy OK?

nevertheless, i still prepared some little things for the flight:-
1. sweater (thank to Mak Siti. jauh import from Cambodia =))
2. feed you during taking-off and landing to balance pressure inside your ears (however, you didn't accept this. you know how to balance it yourself eh)
3. pant type diapers (bcos of limited space for nappy change)
4. a very supportive husband ;) (my hands were fully occupied, Abiy helped me having my favourite orange juice)

walking in the airport was very tiring. plus, i wore heels. oh my, without stroller nor baby carrier, i hold you all the way while Abiy pushing the trolley. my back ache! i should buy a new pair... not a heely ones... phew~ fortunately, Tok Ma, Tok Pa & Pak Su Muhd went to China in the morning, so they left a car for us. so we could have Abiy's favourite satay Kajang at Dengkil R&R. yummy!

our first nite at Saujana Damansara was a terrible one. you cried all nite long! Mommy & Abiy were soooo tired, and i tot sometimes i just let you cry while i was sleeping cos i had no more energy to cradle you. poor boy... i told Tok Ayah bout that and he said 'baby beralih tempat'. i guess, yes. for 2 and half month you slept on our bed at Anjung Nenek, now everything had changed. i tot you need some time to adjust yourself to this new environment. i hope you won't take long cos we'll be here for not more than 10 days.

the first thing Mommy did was finding the timbang berat. i'm 46kg! wow2! 1kg more to go to my targeted weight! (my weight before got pregnant was 47kg anyway & targeted weight is 45kg) and our weight alltogether is 53kg. so you're 7kg now! beratnyer..

and this morning, we had our very first family photo session with Uncle WakJue (together with Adam Mikhael & family at Putrajaya) ... Mommy gonna tell you the story later with some piccas of today's activity :) so notty la you... tak suka tau buat perangai macam tu.

Contraception?

we went to see Dr Awang for my pap smear test & family planning consultation.

[this info i got totally from that almost-20-years experience gynae and not referring to other sources.]

he didn't suggest me to get pregnant again unless after Hafiy reaches 6 month old. there's several contraception methods (i start with the most-not-recommended-for-me one):

1. natural methods
2. IUD
3. implant
4. birth control pill
5. injection

natural mtds including condom, withdrawal & 'waktu selamat', Dr. Awang didn't recommend to us since the percentage of being 'accidentally' pregnant is high.

the IUD & implant are also not recommended for us coz we're the parents of one, he said he'll recommend this one if we already have several kids, and don't mind if we won't have more kids. it's because of the risk of 'tersangkut di daging & bernanah' of the IUD that might cause of permanently infertile & high cost of implant if we finally decide to conceive before its 'expiry date', which is between 3-5 years.

several birth control pills may affect milk production, especially the new one in the market, because it's still not proven. he recommended mercilon, the on that has been in the market since last 30 years, and may not affect milk production.

he suggested to take depo-provera injection. the advantage is, it is 3-monthly injection, may stop at anytime and will increase milk production. however,the hormone may 'disturb' my normal body system, i might have very irregular menstruation (say, 3 times period in a month) for the first few months, and i might not have my period after 1-2 year. and it's also will increase my body weight. and it have 'compounded effect', may take time to conceive even if after stopping the injection. and if it's happen, fertilization pill may be given.

however, because i am breastfeeding, the effect of it for the first 4 months is same as taking birth controll pill, where i have 1:1000 chance of being pregnant. so he didn't put anything on me until Hafiy is 4 month old.

we still don't decide about it. however, if it's not by natural method, we might consider depo-provera injection (the INCRESING MILK PRODUCTION attracts me).

pap smear? owh, the test to detect cervical cancer is very2 disturbing! it's a bit hurt, and cos blood stain on my pant*es.... thing he used to 'open' me is SOOO big ok!

I Am A New Mom

to become a mommy is the largest dream of most women. once i married in august, i expected myself to conceive as soon as possible. but it just happened after 5 months of my marriage.

but now, for the next one, i'm gonna go for family planning.

i just get this awareness as soon as i had my own child. at least for me, to be a parent is not as easy as having a child. unmarried couples also able to have babies, but most of them never become parents to the children they deliver. parenting, in my opinion previously, is only a common sense. however, with the arrival of Mr. Hafiy, my perspective changed drastically. to me, it is not about to grow a child up, but to nurture him, to become a person with high quality, at least better than us. i read about an ancient civilization (can't remember which), in their social hierarchy, a son should be better than his father, in term of job they occupied. example, if the father is a pemotong kayu, the child could be a carpenter. thus, the next generation would be more pakar than the previous ones.

all this while, i ONLY read about childcare e.g. how to bathe a baby, how to clean a baby, how to feed a baby, etc. but i almost forgot about non-physical care i.e. educating & nourishing young brain, etc. i heard about 'one is parenting the way she is parented'. i guess, yes. even before i have my own child, i used the same approach my mom did to me, when dealing with my younger brother. school holiday with me never be a pleasant one, he have to do revision, & start to study for the next year's subjects. this called parenting autopilot. cos it is driven without my preparation, even without my consciousness.

for my son, i try to control my parenting autopilot. i want to be as conscious as possible, so that i'll able to watch him and chart his development, and most importantly, i would know what i do for him, and that is what i want to do, not what i'm accidentally did. and this one, i have to start as soon as possible, because i don't know when his brain starts to process what he sees, and i take it as 'since birth, he sees me'.

some key points that i put on practice. (i guess i wanna share it with all mommies, for their personal opinion & share their personal practice)

1. watch our word
as a ex-teenager who have friends from all species, i am really into an easy-going kind of life. sometimes i used the words like "d*mn", "cr*p", "oh, sh*t", etc. to express my unsatisfactory. now i don't want my kids to use those words. then i stop using those, instead put "astaghfirullahal'aziem" in all situation.

i also noticed that, everytime i mention bad things about my son, it'll happen eventually, immediately. say, i babble to someone about his perangai nangis tak berenti sampai tak tido malam, that coming nite he'll be exactly like what i babbled before. yes, now i admit that, everyword from a mother need to be filtered, especially bad things.

so? instead of babbling around, i 'convert' it into prayer, may our sleep tonite is a good & quality one.

2. watch our action
a little kid's mind may have tendency to copy his parents' act. thus, we cut our not-so-good habits and replace them with the better ones, especially in stress management. when a little child sees how we manage our stress, he'll make copy. and don't be surprise if a child likes to scold and make a mess, if it's the way how you manage your stress.

during the early days especially during confinement, i was so fail in handling stress. especially when involving my cry-all-the-time boy. sometimes i channel it to him. poor boy. but recently, when he cries unstoppable in the middle of the nite, i take it positively and enjoy it as much as possible. i can read books (if i'm not that sleepy) & watch TV while cradling him.

3. appreciate his feelings
as young infant, the only way he can express his feelings is thru signals. and the most popular signal of his is by crying. previously, his crying could drive me mad, and of course i release my anger on him. but recently i learned that, he has right to cry. he has right to feel discontented. he has right to feel unhappy. and he has right to get what he wants. everytime he frown his face (as a sign before he starts scream), i would say "oh honey, you'll look better if you smile". sometimes it works if he wants to cry because of boredom. but it doesn't work for other reasons like wet diaper, tiredness, or he's sleepy.

sometimes he cries for no reason. already fed, diaper changed, etc. but i don't simply get mad or say "stop crying!". instead, i take him for a light walk and talk to him. some elders complaint about this "jgn ajar anak berdukung, nanti susah nak tinggal2". but for me, it is the way to soothe my son, and the way i appreciate him. he might want to has a walk, exploring things around him (as his sight becomes better recently). i can make him sleep by putting him inside his cradle, but at the same time i ignore his feeling, and i break his self-esteem.

4. encourage him
my son starts to make some sounds. definitely i don't understand what he says. but i talk to him like he understand me & i understand him. when i talk to him, then he says "oh", "ah", "eek", i'll repeat it into words, e.g. Me: so you wanna go back to our Miri house? Him: ah Me: oh, you can't wait to be in our house... good boy Him: eh Me: oh you want to fly there as soon as possible.. yada yada yada.

i can't say whether this may encourage him to talk early, but at least for his age, i intro him to a conversation tat he will explore later by himself.

5. involve him in daily activities
he's still small, so i just involve him in activities those i can hold him e.g. do my work on pc while breastfeeding him, put him on my lap while reading book, etc. i believe that, when he sees what his parents do since his early age, he'll become familiar to and i hope it will be easier to intro him to books and computer later.

6. involve him in daily devotion
however, i'm still not taking him with me when i perform solat. i tried several times but he cried. maybe he's too young and wonder 'what my Mommy's doing? why she puts me down here? why don't she carry me?...'

instead, i do on other things, like recite al-matsurat to him every morning & evening, doa sebelum makan before breastfeed him & doa selepas makan after filling his up, use zikir as lullaby, etc.

7. telling him "why" & provide solution
my son likes to suck his mitten/fingers. instead of pulling his hand down and say "tak boleh, tak boleh", i pull his hand down and say "no, you can't suck your mitten, got germs. if you like, you can do it on Mommy's nenen, got milk". yes, he doesn't understand but as the time flies, he knows why i prohibit him from sucking his fingers.

a total "tak boleh" will leave him a question mark. 'what is tak boleh? tak boleh suck mitten, or tak boleh suck, or tak boleh put my hand in my mouth or tak boleh move my hand or..?'. it might retard his interest to explore more things.

8. don't push him & don't compare
my friend's son started to turn in his 2 month old of age. my son shows no slight development in his physical ability. he is just he same boy i knew a month ago. however, my boy is my boy. every child has its own developmental curve. i don't mind if my boy is a bit late compared to other children in his age, as long as it is normal for an infant. unless, he doesn't show any development after 4-5 months, i might have to check with his paed.

i celebrate him, everytime i notice he makes new things. especially when he looks at me and make new sounds. it doesn't matter if he is a bit late, walking or talking, as long as he grows up as an excellent boy, from what i nourish him. cos what will be in his resume is his exam result, experience and activities, not when he started to talk or walk.

9. pray for him
this should be put at the point no 1 but i just wanna put it here. everytime after solat, i pray for him, and also for me so that i'm gonna be a good mom for him. as i said, every bad thing i mention about him, will be 'blessed', so i pray all the good things and stop mentioning bad things about my son. i notice that, for good things, i have to put all my attention but for bad things, even if while joking, it'll still happen. how masin mulut Mommy...

it's not easy for me to be a parent. as i was encouraged to read and learn about pregnancy even before i got pregnant, i guess, everybody should read and learn about parenting even before becoming a parent.

oh, it's be never too late.

as for me, i..
- read more books and worldwideweb.
- get experts' advice (experienced parents those can be role models).
- getting more organized to balance between work, friendship, husband & child.
- berlapang dada with others. there's many school of tots & we know what's the best for us & our kids.

is there any mom who would like to share with me?

abiy... meh tgk gamba afy....

2 Month Check Up & Mommy's Regret

at 2 month old you...

weighted 6.3kg. [last month 5kg]
height 58 cm. [last month 56 cm]

we went to the paed for your 2nd month injection. the hospital followed new schedule for injection. it was catdog rain since 1-2 days and you looked unwell. i dont know why you can't tolerate with heavy rain, your voice become harsh in a sudden.you was in a windy mood the whole day. at dr mazidah's clinic, you didn't behave well. menangis merengek even before the jab. ms timbang pun merengek2. when the dr put you on tummy time, you didn't even move your head. the dr said "eh, tak bole angkat kepala lagi ke? takpelah, baru 2 bulan" huhu. she should know my son is already merayap. time jab lagilah... apela.. tak macho sungguh.

Dr Mazidah tgh check Hafiy. big thigh, kata dia.


tak kene cucuk lg dah melalak.



tempat kene jab...



wajah2 ceria anak Mommy lepas kena jab.

the dr didn't provide us any ubat demam, Mami pun lupa nak tanya. at home, i told my dad that i want to tuam tempat inject so that you won't demam. but my dad said no. he asked me to let you demam2 dulu. he said "inject tu mmg purpose ia nak suh demam, jgn wat apa2, nanti antibodi tu tak jalan pulak" your body warm, but i'm not sure because of the jab or because of the wheather. i just put koolfever on your forehead, nak lap badan dgn air Mommy takut sejuk sgt pulak hujan2.

alhamdulillah the light fever was only for a night. however the following day you looked very weak. letih ek anak Mommy.... shian dia...

shian anak Mommy... tak bermaya je.

today? heh, like nothing has happened.

Lip lap lip lap... anok Mami!

Mommy's regret
[i promied myself that this will never happen again]

our life sailed very smooth, even if with a fussy you but Mommy still can manage . however, everything has changed when a makcik came to our place. she gave me a so-called advice and i was a total fool for accepting it just because she is a makcik, older, terrer & breastfeeding her children (not sure until when)! oh my God... i was shocked then, when she critize hat i've done, this and that. and told me 'the right thing' to do. as a new mom, i cringed. suddenly i changed my schedule and plans on you.

it was so awkward on me, but didn't want to be called 'bodoh sombong' or 'degil xmo dgr ckp org tua yg expert' i took it as 'a familiarization phase'. but yesterday, i came to my limit. for the first time, i called Abiy to tell him that i am depress. enough of it.

now my regret, for letting someone else decided for me but i really couldn't follow. how fool.... i should not give away my stand then. now when i get back to her, telling that i'm facing big problem with her advice, she was like "soo...?" or "i have nothing to do with this". grrrr!!!!!

it wasn't simple on me. i took a week to think before i followed her advice (a critic actually, she critic everything i did, it was like i wanted to kill my son, like i didn't love my son, etc.). that particular time, i felt guilty coz what i did that while 'distressing my son' (according to that soo terrer makcik). so i decided to follow. now????? even i am MORE DISTRESS than him! grrr!!!

that makcik may not read this blog, and i have no courage to say this to her:
"terima kasih atas kritikan makcik yg tak membina langsung tu. sekarang hidup saya makin sengsara sebab idea teruk makcik tu. kot ye pun nak tegur/marah saya, tengok la dulu, anak saya tak macam anak makcik. anak makcik tak fussy, tak baran, tak 10km, etc. skg ni, dah nak lepas tangan pulak. saya pun tak macam makcik. saya kerja, & saya ada byk benda nak dibuat. kalo makcik terer sangat, makcik jadila motivator ke, tulis buku ke, jadi pensyarah ke. geram saya ngan makcik ni tau. skg ni mak saya plak yg marahkan saya sbb anak saya jadi macam ni (samting yg saya tak hingin dia jadi sblum ni). geramnya geramnya! blah la makcik!"

lesson i've learned: IF WE ALREADY HAVE OUR STRONG STAND AND PLAN, JUST FOLLOW IT & DONT EVER LISTEN TO ANYONE WHO IS NOT BEING IN THE SAME SHOE WITH US, ESPECIALLY PAKAR TAK BERTAULIAH.

benci la! now i have to start over, all over again. bodohnye bodohnye!

dokong ngan PakSu

Happy 2 Month & Mommy's Dream

then


now

happy 2 month old sayang Mami!

Mommy just wanna jot a quick update about your 2 month's celebration:
- you slept at 2am.
- you cried when i asked you to sleep but you laugh everytime Mak Tok said "ni ape kuweh-kuweh mlm2 ni? nak jual kuih ke?" tak fahamla Mami. if only i could snap a picture...
- you didn't wake up throughout the nite. unless a big scream at 3.25am. but went back to sleep after i pat your butt. mengigau?

kepala sapa paling besar?

however, at 2 month you:
- recognize people around you. you start to mengada2 everytime Mak Tok & Tok Ayah are home. wanna talk to Tok Ayah & want Mak Tok to dodoi2. you cry if you don't get. ape dah...
- able to 'creep' [should i say menggelungsur] from Mommy's body everytime i put you on my chest and lay your body beside me. without assistance!
- able to seek for Mommy's tits. now Mommy don't have to put the nip into your mouth during latching on. you know how and where to find.
- confidently know what you want especially feeding. you'll scream if Mommy offer you food, you rather ask it by yourself. tgh2 lapa pn xaccept offer, nk mintak sdr jugak.
- sleep soundly in AC. everytime i switch the AC off, you'll scream. aduila... umah Miri manader ekonla sayang....
- can stay alone. you don't cry if i leave you alone. erk, sometimes...
- like to play with Mommy's nip. lick, suck and leave. lick, suck and leave...
- need new clothes..
- still the cutest! oh this is undeniable.

kurus tak Mami? kurus kan? ehehe..

Mommy's dream:
if only i serve the government, i might take the 5-years-unpaid leave for that purpose. but it's unfortunate, i am not a government servant, and i can't take the leave longer than what i'd apply, cos i am the one who is responsible to run a big project in our region, and i have to go back ASAP to continue it (now it's handed over to my Section Head).

i guess everymom (or should i say, every working mom?) when given option, whether to work or stay at home, may choose the second one. so do i. but i have two biggest reasons why i can't. first, i have another 8 years to complete my 10-years scholarship bonding with the company. second, i have to help Abiy in complementing our family's income. as an office-based staff, he doesn't get extra allowance. we can live, but without any saving if i don't work. our company doesn't give us any big salary as what people usually think. even our GM gets the lowest amongst other companies' GM (right, ibu emir? :P).

i feel jealous sometimes, to any mommy who ables to stop working and stay at home. and i feel hard to struggly working, because i NEED to work, not i WANT to work. now, even if i don't like my position or whatnot, i still have to do my job, to be unconditionally happy and put the highest target in my career. and i have to struggly maintain my reputation even if i'm not happy with that. and i can't lose the job, because of reasons i mentioned above.

but, on top of that, i put a target to retreat from this struggle office work at my 35, which is 10 years from now. doesn't mean that i wanna quit job but i don't wanna struggle just because of my 'rice pot' is there. i wanna be happily working, without stress and risk of being fired (fire by laser) by 'discontented' bosses. to get there, needs lots of hard work and sacrifice. dare to take the challenge?

by the way, we'll soon have a maid. the drastic decision came when our most precious auntie refused to follow us and we failed to find any babysitter who lives near to our office or at least on our way from home to the office. i want you to stay as close to me as possible coz i wanna breastfeed you during lunch hour, everyweekday. then i come out with so-called breastfeeding schedule once i go back to work (other than your own demand):-

first feeding - 4.am - when we wake up for Subuh.
(in between if you request).
7.am - before go to work.
12.pm - lunch hour.
4.30pm - after come back from office.
(in between depend on your demand).
last feeding - 12.am - before go to bed.

i hope:-
-our maid is a good one.
-my boss ain't fussy and understand needs of a bf mom.
-you love ebm as you love direct feeding.
-i have time to prepare and achieve my target when we're home and i start working.
-i can go back to structural engineering line.
-everything works as planned.

and....

Almost 2 Month

pipi merah kene geget nyamuk

phew, i hope this new phase (2 MO) will end the agony endured by the blackside of my mental, punched by your unstoppable-cry-as-long-as-i-don't-put-you-in-my-arm. but owh, at the whiteside (which is a lot greater!) i really don't mind (cos i'm the one who called you to come to the world as my son, it's not your decision at the first place). but bear in mind that we'd been quarantined since you cried non-stop in public made nobody want to hold you. by default i am the one who has to bring you away :)

you're gonna have your 2nd follow up and jabs next week. i can't wait to witness how much weight you gain after a month :) i don't know bout other mothers but i am really obsess about your weight gain. it's a pleasure and i take it as a compliment (perasan) when somebody says that you're bigger than your age :D and you know, because of that, i have a close-end answer when anyone asks about "xkasik makan ke? nasi ke nestum ke, pisang ke?". my answer would be "minum susu mak dia pun dah besar ni, xpayahla bagi2 makan kang xlarat nak kendong" :D soooo niceee!!! actually, i don't wanna give them a free lecture about feeding an exclusively breastfeed baby. and if you are thinner, they might think that you got not enough food and paksa me to give you solids. as for me, i wanna breastfeed you exclusively, at least for 6 month and if i could do more than that, i would :)

Pak Uda panggil saya 'Budak Gemuk'. mana ada saya gemuk, saya cuma tough aje!

i guess so, your first month was the most unstable part, for both you and i. with a new you who didn't know me much, and this old young Mommy who still learned to know her son, there's lots of things left unsolved. however, after that phase passed, i feel so relieved. you now recognize me as your Mommy and you started to learn about persons around you. you smile to them when they call you and you smile to Mommy too! but only if i speak English with you.

this one i really don't understand OK! all this while i talk to you in Kelantanese, i called you to smile but you didn't smile, and look blur everytime i talk to you (ignore the natural blurness of a 1-month old baby). but the other night i talk to you in English. know what.. you responded! and you talk to me back in your language! oh God... what had happen to my son. then i started to talk to you in English.. phew~ and you like the song 'eternal flame', that i sing everynite before sleep. you can sleep with the song! bertuah betul!

you really like bathing time with Mommy. even if you're crying out so loud but when i'm putting you in your tub (not a tub actually, it's Mak Tok's small round basin. we bought you a tab and left it at our Miri house), you'll suddenly calm. and smile. hehe. tp tak laratla everytime nangeh nak kene mandikan pulak. plus, your mandi process is not simple. i have to boil the water since we dont have heater and you don't like cool water! have to add the water with 'air tawar', lime and lactacyd. then only you can have your kebush2 session. i did everything myself since you were 2 weeks old :)

bestnya mandi dengan Mommy... alamak sexynye nampak pushat!

brr... sejuuukkkk

and at this age, i like to put you on your tummy and laugh out loud to see your cute actions. you can move your body forward 2-3 inches. hehe. tummy timeee!!! thing you don't like the most :D

warm up sebelum tummy time.

sayaa sediaaaa....!!!

alamak, apsal tak begerak pon!

tension!!!

fuhh.. akhirnya. berjaya juga sampai ke garis penamat!

the maternity leave has come to the end. consume up my annual leave & put my unpaid leave application on my boss's table (Abiy did actually). hopefully he has a heart to approve my leave, or i'll go to work carrying my baby!